Out of orbitIt is not fair. Time can not absolve you of sins you never faced. It is not fair. How can you say, "don't dwell on that it happened years ago" when we never confronted it in the first place. For the first several years, you tried to act like it didn't happen, or that it was all my fault, or tried to externalize and then point the blame but never take any portion? How can you say, "Oh you're going to go back to that?" What, did you do it so that you could f*%k me up and play that you had no part? That IS f*&ked up, and I'm your own d*#@%ter. So messed up. As if it wasn't supposed to--yeah--make me see things differently. Sorry. If planet Earth suddenly goes out of orbit with Mars, then yes, things are going to be seen and taken into consideration and scientific discovery in a whole new light. If some truths stay the same, but your central point of focus differs, then you start to see laws of physics in a whole new way. Standards become deviations, deviations become the standards. Everything is messed up and makes perfect sense at once, I am just out of orbit. I just think it's cold how some people tend toward meanness instead of niceness or happiness. I do not understand it, will not HOPEFULLY EVER UNDERSTAND IT, nor do I care to continue to observe it or be mystified by it or hindered or harmed or lessened by it. It can no longer pull me down. It can no longer drink from my cup. It can no longer use what is mine for its own. It can no longer prey among my lifeblood. It may no longer watch me. It can no longer feign disinterest. It can not hide from me, when I can read it like a book from far far away. I do not know how or why exactly I understand it so well, but that is probably because I have a piece of it inside of me. But that too is all not too true. For the one who gave it to me has a tiny piece of me inside of her, and therefore, in having a tiny part of her, I have the whole of me. And for that, hopefully everybody can be forgiven (or at least understood). Or at least I can be forgiven and understood. At the very least.
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December 2015
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